Originally posted on Facebook HERE

I usually do these posts on Sunday morning. Last week it was Monday morning. The week before that is was Saturday morning. This week it’s Sunday afternoon. I’m all over the place, and that’s a good description of what life feels like to me right now. All over the place with no direction. The struggle is real. I’m not sure what made me start writing a weekly post, what keeps me so intent on continuing it, and somedays why anyone would ever read it, because if I’m taking a good look at what’s going on in my life it’s a pile of “drinking from a firehose” and very little peace. Stuart Wilde wrote a book once called “Life was never meant to be a struggle”. Think it might be time to revisit that book. Very small, can be read in 30 minutes or less I think. But I digress… I’m not writing today or any other day because I have anything figured out at all. I write about the things I’m struggling with. I struggle with my sense of worth, my physical appearance, my anger, time management, conflict, stress, spiritual balance, and many other things. My guess is we all do. I let things bother me that I have no control over. That’s a tough one for me right now. And inside I feel that anger and sadness are way to close to the surface. Like two little pieces floating within my soul waiting for anyone to attack my ego in the smallest perceived way to unleash the anger, or the sadness that lies right there way too close to being reality. Why?… why am I so angry? Why so much unhappiness/sadness that sticks there and even on good days could be called up at any time? I don’t know why. I do know that I’m way better off now that I was years ago. I know that when I was using drugs and alcohol, those two parts of my psyche were very strong. I also feel that I could seriously degrade their power if I spent more time seeking guidance with meditation and prayer. I’ve known it for years, I’ve written about it before. Why does the ego get to manage my time? I find myself thinking I’m building the fisherman’s empire and once I get to the end and I can finally enjoy the fruits of my labor… I’ll look back and think “I had this all along if I would have just stopped long enough to realize it”. (See parable HERE)… today didn’t go as I had planned, I feel bad about that, even though it’s been a good day so far, it’s… not the day I envisioned. So, internally I have this weird, uneasy feeling like I wasted it. I get one day a week off and I wasted it. Even though I didn’t. That never ending anxiety about “perhaps I could be using this time better” seems to also be a running theme for me. Im not sure I have any answers today, maybe just observations. And maybe some of you feel the same things I do. You’re not alone. All I want is to be the best person I can be, help anyone else I can any way I can, and along the way create something that will last long after I’m gone – whatever that is (music, fond memories, writing, a positive influence, etc)… I bought a lot of books on happiness lately. As my life progresses, I’d like to be a bit more happy and a bit less cranky. I’m working on it. Probably not such a bad thing for us all to work on I guess. I wish you all the best in your own quest.

3 Comments

  1. Yes we all struggle with the same issues; you’re not alone. Some other good books you may want to look at: WORRY by Edward Hallowell, MD, THE HOW OF HAPPINESS by Sonja Lyubomirsky, and THE HAPPINESS TRAP by Russ Harris (he’s a guru on mindfulness). But my personal recommendation if you choose to read these and other self help books is to read them with an open mind, take what you want from them and then step back. They are not bibles to be followed religiously. Part of the struggle is to simply let go, right? So be kind to yourself and ease up on rigid structure. My OCD is a constant reminder to let go or forever be shackled to routine and perfection. Also, if you like Brene Brown, look at her on TED TALKS, especially the one on “Daring Greatly.”

  2. I haven’t watched any of her TED talks yet, wanted to see her first one which she references a lot in her book “Daring Greatly”, pretty sure that one is available here: https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

    I haven’t read any of the other three books you mentioned, but I added them to my wishlist at Amazon. Have you read them? “The Happiness Trap” seems particularly interesting to me.

    I pretty much only read self help/spiritual and biographies. “Untethered Soul” and “Surrender Experiment” by Michael Singer (my favorite current author) are fantastic.

    • I have read the books I suggested. I still revisit certain chapters in The Hspoiness Trap. Dave, I promise you will appreciate this book. They were recommended to me by my therapist, Dr. Jayme Niemeier. Yes, I’ve spent many years in therapy. Surprisingly, I never run out of things to talk about. LOL

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